Sophomore Boy Totally Almost Hooked up with this Cute Freshman Girl

Thursday Night, New London:

At a floor party in Windham, local sophomore Jonny College was so close to hooking up with freshman Anne Northface. 19-year-old Jonny from “just outside of Boston” said the night seemed ordinary, just crushing brews with his boys over a few games of Beirut. But once he saw Anne down the hall on the third floor of Windham, he knew tonight was going to be different.

According to reports given by his friends Kevin and Steve, Jonny was definitely “macking” on this girl and they seemed to be “really hitting it off”. Kevin had no doubt Jonny was going to bring this girl home, making sure to state that he was the man several times in between stumbling. Steve then mentioned the fact that Jonny had “mad game,” and listed a few different parties where he made out with this girl he just met, or at least got her number.

Despite Jonny making the girl laugh and lightly touching her arm occasionally, he couldn’t seal the deal. “It was definitely going to happen, and she was hot too,” Jonny told reporters, proceeding to list the numerous cock-blocking factors present in the situation. “One of her friends was really drunk, like falling all over the place and throwing up, and she wanted to go help her, which I understand, but like what the hell man.” Other difficulties included this guy who kept bumping into them and spilling some Keystone light, and the fact that she told her friend Katie they’d all go home together.

Many party-goers had no idea this event was happening, more concerned with not spilling their jungle juice while inching down the packed hall, or just trying to leave the party since it was pretty mediocre.

“So I was in the middle of this really funny joke, and this other girl comes out of nowhere and starts talking to her about this time their friend Ashley slipping on the ice or something. I wasn’t really paying attention,” he added.

One fairly sober student commented on the incident: “I saw this guy talking pretty closely with Anne. I think they were making out too. It was kind of gross, or maybe that was at the floor party in Johnson. I heard she’s kind of a slut.”

Anne’s friends gave a slightly different account of the story, claiming this creepy guy was hitting on her friend and wouldn’t leave her alone. According to Anne’s friends they were having a girls’ night out and just wanted to dance and have a good time, but were interrupted by Jonny and a few other drunken boys. “Anne was giving me that ‘get him away from me look’ the whole time, but was too nice to tell him to go away,” Katie told the College Voice.

When asked how he felt about this upcoming Saturday night’s hookup prospects, Jonny commented: “This Saturday is going to be different. I can tell.”

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The Proper Authorities

“YOU HAVE NOT FULFILLED YOUR AREA 6 REQUIREMENT: PHILOSOPHY/RELIGION,” read the angry sheet of paper.

Surely this must be a simple mistake, I thought. I was told by both my professor and the then-current, legitimate General Education Requirement documents that my “REL 209/PHI 214: Daoist Traditions” course would do the trick.

Upon asking the appropriate authorities at the Office of Records and Registration about this obvious misunderstanding, they informed me that “REL 209/PHI 214: Daoist Traditions” was a history course that could not fulfill area six.

Unfortunately, I discovered I was not the only one to come across this problem. An esteemed colleague of mine was told she hadn’t fulfilled her writing intensive requirement. She tried making the case that she was an English major, and that several of her courses by definition were writing intensive. It was cute of her to try.

Another respected friend was told that he hadn’t completed his religion and philosophy requirement, despite being a philosophy major. Apparently, he got the strange notion that taking thirteen philosophy courses over eight semesters would fulfill the necessary objectives, but he was sorely mistaken.

As a firm believer in the concepts of logic and reality as taught to me by my father, and I would assume generations of happy successful men, I was determined to get this matter sorted out. I asked my professor if she would please explain to the proper authorities that the course discussed the religion and philosophy of Daoist texts rather than history, much like “REL 207: Buddhist Traditions,” an officially sanctioned option.

She responded the next day, informing me that she had spoken with those in charge, and they had said it was a history course. She continued by scolding me for not referring to one of superior rank by their title, and not following proper protocol.

Bewildered and left with no other options, I decided to take on the council myself.

Upon entering, I was led to a windowless room with a single wooden chair. In random intervals, an anonymous representative would slide forms under the door asking me why I was here. After filling out the appropriate forms three times, two men in suits sat quietly next to me and would not respond. I repeated this for four and a half hours.

Suddenly, the two men began fighting in front of me until two campus safety officers came in and escorted the men out. Immediately after, I was arrested for assault and battery. Before I had the chance to proclaim my innocence, a rag was placed over my nose.

Everything went black.

Drifting out of my chloroform haze, I found myself locked in the Nichols House Treasure Room where I wrote most of this article. After three days of feeding me nothing but ham with fruit topping and yellow cake, the officers opened the door without saying a word.

Relieved, I walked back to Katherine Blunt House, to find my camel card would not let me in any residence halls, and all of my I.D. cards were now blank. Confused, I returned to the office, but upon inquiry no one could produce the proper paperwork to prove that I had ever attended Connecticut College. I was fairly sure I had spent the last three years of my life going to classes here, but the paperwork said otherwise.

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Sack SAC!

There are several fine organizations that make Connecticut College the place that it is. Select students volunteer many hours of their precious time to get a taste of sweet, sweet bureaucracy and the opportunity influence and control aspects of the campus culture. Whether these motivated individuals join Student Government Association  (SGA) or Student Activity Committee (SAC) for resume boosters or for the sheer love of paperwork I do not know.

But I do know that many students are compelled to formally and informally criticize nearly everything these organizations do without attending a single meeting or knowing exactly what they do.

While some students do make relevant criticisms through educating themselves by attending SGA meetings and taking part of the process, the former is the much more American approach. Ever since our country’s birth, the everyman has been ranting and raing about injustices that he/she did not fully understand, and you know what happened? We invented freedom and became America.

So in the spirit of the founding fathers, I’d like to make some misinformed and baseless attacks of my own.

What has SAC done for the student body this year? What exactly was Conn’s “Block Party”? Are the members of SAC planning to cancel Floralia and have lobster dinners every night? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, which means SAC isn’t doing much of anything. Instead of making their intentions and actions clear, SAC committee members hide in the shadows, squandering our funds on so called “Tent Dances” that don’t happen in tents. False advertising is just one of the diabolical tactics this group of Washington Fat Cats dupe the student body with while they pocket the extra funds they did not spend on events. I attended the so called “Block Party” this year, only to find that Cro is not a block, and there was no party.

Worse yet is the lack of imagination and effort of SAC. Instead of creating fresh and fun events like a campus wide pillow fight on Harkness, er, Tempel Green or a massive treasure hunt, they have Cro Dances.

While the first four hundred weren’t too bad, as a senior they seem a bit stale. Sure I love seeing fellow students awkwardly grinding in a room that’s over one hundred degrees and then overpaying for something at Oasis snack shop (who doesn’t?) but there is something to be said for variety.

I can’t understand why SAC is having trouble pleasing an immensely diverse student body with incredibly varied interests. How is it taking them so long to create events that appeal to Lax Bros, Hipsters, Stereotype #3’s, and the rest of the school?

While I may not have the answer to this question as I’m busy writing articles for the universally acclaimed College Voice, I’m pretty sure it involves ice cream, Crossfire and James Brown. See that didn’t take too long. I’ve already come up with three events which SAC can steal (hint) when they want to win the hearts of everyone here.

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The Camel’s Better Judgment

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I’d like to try something new in this article. Loyal readers and fans know that I’m not afraid to voice my opinion on the hard hitting issues of Connecticut College, but I’ve always done so by telling people what they need to hear. This time around I’d like you to ask me what you need to hear in a new advice column to help my fellow students follow the honor code, or find out where they can park without getting a friendly twenty dollar reminder from campus safety.

Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed that a new sex column entitled “The Camel’s Hump” has appeared in The College Voice (pick up a copy for you and your friend today!). While any advice on the complex issue of sexuality is greatly appreciated, I feel that the column doesn’t represent a majority of student’s perspectives and questions. I think I can safely speak for the student body that sex has it’s time and place, and that time is after marriage. In my new section I would like to have a respectful and tasteful Q&A of how to best practice Abstinence. Naturally all names will be changed to protect the identities of students who sent in questions.

“Stewart Smith” writes in:

Dear Donald,

Drunk girls want to have sex with me. What should I do?

Excellent question Stew. First off, you shouldn’t ever be in a compromising situation where you or a female colleague has consumed alcohol, as alcohol only leads to sin. But if by some misfortune you do happen to stumble upon an intoxicated woman, then there is only one option. I think my close personal friend Michael Jackson said it best: “Just beat it, beat it”. Beat it out of there that is. If you see a tipsy seductress coming your way then head for the hills. Don’t let these situations ruin your chance for marital bliss.

“Lisa Hart” writes in:

Dear Donald,

Some of my friends told me that all the cool kids are having sex. Is this true?

No. These types of ideas are lies spread by glitzy magazines like “Cosmo” or “Lucky”. In a recent survey I just conducted, 100% of the people polled disagree with this statement. Not only is pre-marital sex not “cool”, but it makes regular hard-working Americans like you pay more money on your taxes while increasing government spending. Did you know that for every one dollar the government spends on abstinence education, twelve dollars are being spent to promote contraceptives? I didn’t either until I googled “abstinence education”. Needless to say, these “cool kids” we’ve heard so much about are definitely not there having sex, but saving themselves for that special someone.

I hope that these answers help you navigate the dangerous and tricky world of sex. If you have any questions on abstinence or the constant moral peril that is college life, feel free to e-mail me at dbudge@conncoll.edu or check out www.coolvirginity.com

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Harris Fine Partying

There seems to be some confusion over Harris Fine Dining. Some people seem to think that it is a dining hall when it is in fact a club. I hope this review eliminates some of the confusion.

Theme: *****

After traveling eight different countries in Europe in addition to visiting many major cities in the United States, I have never come across a cafeteria-themed club until Harris Fine Dining. Brilliantly executed, the entrance reveals buffet style rows that you would find in dining halls, filled with parodies of food like “yellow cake” or “ham with fruit topping” that appear edible, but make the few who consume them rather ill.

From the entrance it appears as if Harris Fine Dining is the real deal, but locals know that the back of the club is where the real party begins.

Behind the food façade is a large open dance-floor and social space complete with plenty of tables and easy access to drinks. Harris Fine Dining even goes the extra mile to provide plates and silverware if someone wants to get the “food” and sit down at the tables and pretend that they’re having a balanced and nutritious meal.

Atmosphere: ***

Since Harris Fine Dining commits to its theme so thoroughly, it sacrifices elements of atmosphere to complete its authentic “dining hall” look. The bright fluorescent lights are a bit harsh for those used to dusky dance clubs, but it does make the club extremely easy to navigate without unnecessarily flashy elements like strobe lighting or lasers.

The main room is usually packed, but veterans know to come a bit later than the 6 o’clock rush to enjoy a more intimate experience. In previous years the décor struck an excellent balance of “wacky” and “tacky”, but the removal of cereal mascots “Snap” “Crackle” and “Pop” for the confusing and hideous paintings of camels is a move that leaves regulars bewildered.

Exclusivity: **

Like any happening spot, Harris Fine Dining is equipped with bouncers, V.I.P. passes in the form of a card, and a cover charge ($6) if you don’t have one. However, it has become extremely easy to obtain one of these V.I.P cards. There tends to be a wait, but it’s fairly short, as Harris Fine Dining doesn’t believe in capacity, allowing everyone in who wants to come.

While all of the big players are there, so is the kid you really don’t want to hang out with but is totally going to come over and talk to you. The only real exclusive spot is the V.I.P. room behind the fake “tray clearing” area, where top 40 is usually played.

For some reason, Harris Fine Dining doesn’t attract many celebrities. It still remains one of the few clubs Bill Murray hasn’t attended.

At best Harris ropes in D-list celebrities like Leo Higdon, the president of Connecticut College, but these visits are rare. Harris already accomplishes its theme well enough that it can afford to be a bit more exclusive and attract Hollywood elite.

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Crimson Heroes

I’ve discussed many topics in my previous articles.

Sometimes the campus needed me to acknowledge the upstanding job our friends at Nichols House are doing (especially with handing out parking tickets), or to discuss the upsetting reality that some students willingly choose to drink in an intelligent manner. But as a senior who has had time to reflect on my college experience I feel the need to start focusing on the real issues of Connecticut College, rather than simply pinpointing one aspect of college life. Now being able to see the forest for the trees, it is my duty to take a stand on controversial issues to foster a culture of respectful intellectual discourse. This is why this article is about Nantucket red pants.

Too long have fellow classmates who have worn these pants went unnoticed. It is time to give them the attention that the issue deserves. Smooth, hip and sexy are all words we associate with Nantucket reds and the dapper gents and elegant ladies who wear them. Unfortunately, many students go on about their everyday lives without even thinking about the impact they have on campus. Adding a touch of panache to any social occasion, these pants look just as good as they feel, and they look great. Nantucket reds make it easy for men and women to add color to their wardrobe while still looking casual, especially necessary for those bleak winter months.

For reasons beyond my understanding, some students have felt the need to talk about Nantucket red pants negatively. Whether these baseless attacks are out of jealousy of not owning a pair or sheer malice I do not know, but they must be stopped. I suppose one could complain that it’s almost unfair how good looking these pants are and the people that wear them, but I’m afraid the nature of these complaints are different. Not only do these debonair pant wearing heroes raise the fashion bar for other students, but they remind us of what we can achieve here at Connecticut College as both students and human beings: to be both excellent and original, to be the best we can be while never losing our sense of who we are.
 ;Sometimes I lie awake at night worrying if fellow colleagues can find fault in the last pure and wholesome red pants on campus, might someone then criticize UGG boots, black Northface fleeces or even leggings? Fortunately every member of the Connecticut College community recognizes that UGG boots are comfortable and stylish, so no one would waste their time having pointless discussions about girls (and select men) who choose to wear them.

The fighting needs to stop. I think we can all agree that there is no need to further discuss just how well they compliment a white button down or even a t-shirt if you want a more casual downtown feel. What’s important is we as a student body face the facts: Nantucket red pants are here to stay and thank god for that.

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Conn in Peril! Bullets, Fire and Wayward Crustaceans

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As my time studying abroad comes to a close, I have been reflecting and re-reading my hardcopies of Dean Bengochea’s informative and concise emails which I keep under my pillow. During my third read of the first e-mail concerning the bullets in Freeman trashcan, (which will be released on my upcoming “Best of Bengochea” Compilation), I realized something rather startling: without my presence this semester, Connecticut College has been falling apart. Despite heroic efforts by the administration and Campus Safety to uphold justice, students seem to be causing more of a ruckus than ever before, with dangerous fires, lethal weaponry being discarded, and questionably intentioned sea food. During my articles last semester I had noticed some trouble in the moral decisions of some members of the student body, but I had never realized that I was Connecticut College’s very own Custer, continually making a last stand against the overwhelming forces of hedonism and thievery.

While I must commend Dean Bengochea’s proactive actions and e-mails to alert the student body of the evil happenings of campus, there is much more than can and needs to be done. The administration should implement former President Bush’s logical color alert system, to help students know how afraid or upset they should be. Lavender alerts could have been sent out during the framing of Reid Larsen, or mauve alerts for matters concerning students eating shellfish that result in important discussions of race and socio-economic class. Perhaps my biggest complaint has been how alerts have been transmitted. While e-mails are well and good, they are not instant. Students need to know the moment breaking news happens. The much praised and under-used school emergency communications system can call students cell phones to inform them that something found in the trash is not in fact dangerous, or that Harris Fine Dining will be serving yellowcake for dessert.

But to solely make constructive suggestions to the administration is not enough. It is us, the fine students of Connecticut College who are truly responsible for our moral failings. Now your prayers have been answered. Bi-weekly meetings with both Campus Safety and the administration to discuss ways to improve security and surveillance on campus will be held. I am overwhelmed with integrity to announce that I will form a student ran vigilante justice group to aid Campus Safety’s never ending fight to eliminate frivolous social events and alcohol from our majestic campus. Each righteous student shall be hand-picked by a tribunal of Dean Bengochea, whoever may be the head of campus safety at the time, and myself. The application will be available for a nominal fee in the format of the all too brief specialty housing application. Each member will have the honor code branded on their chest to remind them of the ideals they fight for. I promise that upon my return as a student leader, virtue will spring eternal from the boundless well that is my moral character.

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Abroad…Yawn

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67 and sunny…again. I think about all the 20 degree days I missed in January while in Barcelona and sigh wistfully. Those icy cold days of winter at Connecticut College seemed to inspire productivity. With the constant sunshine and 60 degree weather here, I see people and students lollygagging all over the variety of beaches which you can walk to from class. It’s absolutely sickening. To make matters worse, the Spanish seem to think it’s a good idea to have a “siesta” in the middle of the day, giving students ample time to walk around outside or take a nap when they could be holed up in Shain Library having hours and hours of glorious productivity. Don’t even get me started on those time wasting trips to Paris, Berlin, Athens and other exotic locales students seem so partial to here.

Fortunately, my apartment is designed to be a healthy working environment so I won’t get distracted by all that nonsense of being in a cosmopolitan city with a totally lame magic fountain or the boring giant hedge maze. Smartly designed, my window does not lead outside and gets no sunlight, so I stay focused. Luckily, no parties or distractions can happen in my compact room, since once the bed is down you can’t move or use the desk. Best of all, my heater seems to have sensed I was homesick for the pleasantly overheated Shain library and goes on for hours at a time with no way of being turned off.

Further aiding my unlimited studiousness, my host mother provides healthful and nourishing meals of knock off cornflakes with spoiled milk in the morning, and raw pork with a plate of tomatoes for dinner. She expects excellence from me at all times, as she goes through my possessions, throwing out any food I attempt to buy. My senora very vocally expressed her disappointment when I lazily failed to fold my pants properly when I had a broken arm, or when I had foolishly placed my shoes in the wrong drawer.

Being abroad has not only allowed me the gift of being able to do homework in another country, but to reflect on my ecstatic experience at Connecticut College. Despite the lack of an excellent, fair, balanced and handsome Campus Safety to rightly tell students when our social gatherings have become too loud, people don’t seem to be sinning with alcohol nearly as much. Students may have a drink or two in the bar made entirely out of ice, or the bar made out of old amusement park equipment out of weakness of moral fiber, but there are very few instances of ruffians flooding bathrooms by trying to flush a bag of Pop tarts down the toilets of Larabee. I realized why, which leads me to my proposal to Campus Safety: If we fill Connecticut College’s campus with dangerous criminals and unpredictable vagrants with knives like Barcelona has at night, I guarantee a sharp drop in student alcoholism and visits to the hospital, well from alcohol poisoning at least.

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Drinking Age?

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When I was asked to write something about the “drinking culture” at Connecticut College I was convinced it must have been some sort of tasteless joke. Everyone knows that alcohol is a deadly poison to the body and a plague to the mind, so naturally no one would dare drink it. But after hearing reports from my dear friends over at Nichols House, I began having some doubts. Surely the beloved officers of Campus Safety would never lie or commit any wrongdoing, but how could any of my fellow classmates choose to get on the fast lane to sin? I assumed that the alcohol related incidents on campus were results of lawless hooligans visiting from other schools without the honor code. Although this is still probably the case, I think re-addressing the drinking age of 21 is the only clear solution to this problem. Now I think I speak for the majority of students on campus when I say: it’s time to re-instate prohibition.

Not only will there be no more drinking incidents but everyone will engage in wholesome activities like playing checkers or watching The Office with good friends. Drinking is absolutely terrible; it only leads to people making nonsencial statements while eating sub par mookies (hybrid cookies and muffins). Why did my mom send me a pack of mookies, they’re not that good and I heated them up too much? While people are drunk, they’ll say things like “Oh man Chili’s sounds so good right now. It’s like the king of delicious,” they’ll say. “Oh man Jim Carrey is making another movie. It’s like Liar, Liar but not as good.”

FIRGET TRAVELOCITY MAN.THE OFFICE WASN’T EVEN THAT GOOD I DON’T KNOW HWY PEOPLE STAYED IN FOR IT. THE CRO DANCE WAS SUPER LAME. THERE WERE LIKE 5 PEOPLE DANCIN.G AND OASIS WAS OUT OF ABABANANA BREAD AND IM REALLY HUNGRY. WHY ARE THEY OUT OF BANANA BREAD?! IF THEY GOT RID OF S DINKING AGE THEN NO ONE WOULD EVEN BE IN THIS SITUATION. EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY JUSTSITTING AROUND AND GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND FORMING MEANINGFUL FRIENDSHIPS. FTHE PIZZA WAS TOO MUCH. HOLD ON A SEC….OKAY BETTER.! I MISSED ITS ALWAYS SUNNY THAT’S A GREAT SHOW PEOPLE SHOULD WATCH IT. I WALKED AROUND BTU NO ON E WAS DOIN ANYTHING FUN SO I WALKED BACK TO LARABEE BUGT NOTHING WAS OING OIN THERE EITHER! IM SO THIRSTY! THIS IS EXACTLYWHY WE NEED PROHIBITION TO PREVENT STUFF LIKE THIS FROM HAPPENING SO EVERYONES SUPER COOOL WITH EVERYONE AND WED ALL BE BEST FRIENDS WITH TOTL BANANA BREAD THE END OKAY LETS SLEEP! GO CAMPELMPYICS LETS GO! I CANT BELIEVE MY MOM SENT ME MOOKIES ITS TERRIBLE OKAY GOODNIGHT BYE EVERYONE LOVE YOU!

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At Least the Library Looks Nice

Something is wrong this semester. There was no electricity in the air during Camelympics, and no excitement looking forward to magical Cro Pizza after a successful Saturday night. Despite Connecticut College completing $11 million worth of renovations over the summer, the campus seems glummer than ever. There is a very simple reason for this: the renovations are for Alumni and Prospies, and are a giant middle finger to the students. Either that or I missed the campus wide poll where everyone voted on making the library pathway better lit instead of improving the food that continually gets worse every day (Beef Aloo Mater?). Who needs edible food when it’s a bit easier to see the library at night? I do remember walking through campus last year, crying for hours because it was kind of dark in front of the library.

There are claims that some of the $11 million went towards improving social spaces on campus such as Common Rooms, stating on Camelweb that the Common rooms “boast fresh paint”. Last time I checked, “un-fresh paint” was pretty low on people’s list of things that could be improved. But hey, remember Coffee Grounds? If you’re a Freshman and are confused, we used to have a cozy student-run coffee shop that had board games, homemade desserts every night and quirky decorations like an old hair drying chair. Imagine a conversation between an alum returning to campus and a current student:

“Want to go to Harris? It’s steak and cheese night.”

“Actually they got rid of that.”

“Oh…What did they replace it with?”

“They have a potato bar now…with two different kinds of potatoes.”

“I’ll pass. We can just meet at Coffee Grounds later.”

“Funny thing about that…”

“It’s closed?”

“Kinda…except it’s always closed, and they threw everything out.”

“I see…well, who’s having a Keg this weekend?”

“uh…”

“Thursday Night Event?”

“Look on the bright side, some of the toilets have two different flushes now.”

“Why?”

Despite what the neon yellow, bronze and silver Camelympics medals say, we are not “winners” this semester. After all, why would anyone want more social space when there are now eight billion different paths from the library to Blaustein?

Nothing to do on weekends? Who cares when you can walk a new way from Cro to the library every day?

Sure, the campus looks a bit prettier, but the money could have been spent in one thousand better ways that would have improved life for the actual students, the ones who pay lots of money to go here. With the renovations the school has completed its transformation into a trophy wife, beautiful but dead inside.

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